On the first night of E.A.T!, there was a quote written on the wall that resonated with me…

“Are you ready to be your own coach, rather than your critic?”

I loved this because I am in life coach training so … YES, I am ready. Therefore today’s blog is about the difference in knowing something vs being it.

At last Wednesday’s E.A.T class,¬† I walked in standing tall, full of energy and feeling positive knowing how well I had incorporated each weeks learning topic so far and I was losing weight like a champ. I was eating five smaller means a day with the recommended portions of lean protein, good fats, green leafy veg, no processed foods etc (minus one birthday party with pizza & cupcakes). As much as I’ve embraced all that I am learning, I am also realistic so eating non-stellar food once in a while is fine with me as long as I don’t let those side steps shut down the entire process. Looking back, I know I went into class feeling sure I had lost two or three pounds because¬† (if you didn’t get the memo from my troll / ego) “I am THE best loser-weighter that ever lived!” This makes me laugh now but it was pretty humiliating in the moments that followed.

I stepped on the scale to do the weekly numbers / measurements and I was looking forward to it, when out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw the same number from the week before and panic took over my body. What? WHAT?!!! NO. I’m sure it was just the scale adjusting itself… This was all I could hear in my head. My heart sunk and then I could literally feel all that kick ass, positive energy and self-support quickly drain out of my body… Faaaaaack! As Lisa wrote down the number I decided to actually look down at it and the number was the same as last week… no, correction. I had gained 0.2 of a lb. At the time, this 0.2 lbs may as well have been twenty.

Lisa could see by the look on my face exactly where I was… I guess I started babbling my thoughts and I am pretty sure she said “Shut Up” and quickly turned me around and began to wrap the measuring tape around me. As she measured me (attempting to speak through the screaming in my head) she said something like ‘try not to focus on the scale… different for everyone.. expectations…own worst critic… look what you DID achieve.” And I’m SURE there was good stuff in there for me to hear but there was no chance for it at this point. Then she showed me that I had actually lost over three inches. Nope. Don’t care. Still back at the scale. As to not completely expose my humiliation, I gave a half-assed nod and may have even fake smiled (to stop the crying of course). I slunk back to my seat feeling completely deflated.

It’s in these moments when I hardly recognize myself. And that’s when I knew I was in the midst of the troll storming around in my head. He was clearly in no mood to let me turn it around. As I sat there waiting for Lisa to begin, more thoughts came but they weren’t so much angry as they were defeated and deceptively realistic sounding. “I’m never going to be able to get what I want… too hard… this sucks… how can I keep doing this week after week…why bother.

Pretty gross huh? I think I was almost more disturbed with being this person.

Luckily Lisa had a lot to of information for us to absorb so I was able to keep those thoughts on hold while I focused on carbohydrates. It was much more complicated than the others but of incredibly value to know how different carbs can drastically impact our health (good and bad). This was one of the final pieces to the food puzzle and the real work was going to be putting it all together in ‘real life’. When Lisa checked in with us on how we were processing it all, I literally blurted out “shit just got real people” which got a few laughs, but that’s how I felt. I can’t unlearn this stuff and now know there are some foods I used to eat that I just won’t now. Which is good, but its big change, right? Between the scale incident and bringing in all this learning into my life I felt the enormous challenge I had taken on to eat more responsibly. But in saying that I also felt determined to do my best and to keep going. It’s too important not to.

Since that night, the storm passed from my head and has become an ‘Ah ha’ moment in my heart because I learned how important it is to quickly recover (slam door in troll’s face) and support myself through ‘perceived’ set backs knowing there is something to be learned and grow from. It’s not in the what happens but how I handle it and how I am BEING that matters. I don’t want to BE the up and down drama-fest that freaks out in either joy or defeat because of a stupid number. I am going to try to be more centered, knowing I’m doing my best every day and celebrate it. The rest will fall into place if I keep moving in that direction. Just KEEP GOING.

I am in the process of creating a bigger life, becoming more of myself and living a life with more purpose – NOT to become a size four. So thank you, my shitty troll, for showing up just enough for me learn to support myself and more importantly to see progress in how little time I’m giving you these days.

P.S. Although scales and measurements are one way to monitor progress,¬† a few days ago I was able to say goodbye to my maternity clothes and for the first time, recognized myself in the mirror. If that’s not motivating, I don’t know what is.