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March 2017

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Surviving Sudden Death: Healing regret, remorse and unforgivable choices when things end without warning.

Surviving Sudden Death: Healing regret, remorse and unforgivable choices when things end without warning.

Hey Dad, I’ve heard people discuss how time is a manmade construct. That it’s not linear but more like a series of multiple realities running parallel alongside another. I mention this because with the first anniversary of your death coming tomorrow,  I’m been having my own torturous experience of this concept. For the past two weeks especially, it’s felt as if I can ‘see’ me moving through life in the weeks leading up to the day you died – like I’m trapped on the other side of soundproof glass as a silent observer unable to warn my oblivious self as to what’s coming. I’ve watched me and my family go camping with the boys over spring break, take uneventful trips to the park and even visit the ER with my youngest after he decided to swallow a steel bolt. Just the other day (a year ago) I joked on Facebook about the worst right of “passage” I never expected to move through with the weirdest ‘treasure hunt’ ahead of me… it was all so funny. The present-day me presses her hands and forehead against the glass and begins to scrutinize every decision I made – or didn’t make…  Why didn’t I go see you? I don’t understand… what were we doing that was so important to NOT go and see you? It was a long weekend and only a short ferry ride. I was off with the kids for TWO WEEKS! And I never saw you? The wave of regret that follows punches me square in the guts. Every breath in brings a frantic sense of angst, panic covered in remorse. It’s like the present-day me believes I can actually change the way things went down but at the same time tortured and aware that I...

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